PEACE IN A PANDEMIC

“I am here only to be truly helpful.” 

- ACIM

Times are rough.  Even if you are living with someone you love and are both healthy in the midst of a pandemic, the whole, “It’s kind of nice to be home together,” -  thing, might be growing old.  If you live alone you could have trained to be ok for the short term, but in the long term even the best hermit is going to crave hanging out at Starbucks, going to work, hugging, reaching out, screaming for the Dodgers,  or cramming into the new Star Wars attraction.  Isolation could get so bad that fighting for a parking spot or battling the 405 might at least feel like a return to normalcy:  “What are you doing? Get out my way you idiot!......... that’s strange, I feel so much better.”    

The human being is a tribal creature.   It’s likely you’re nervous system and brain are getting a little stressed out having never dealt with a global pandemic.  While all the standard mental health recommendations are valid: staying in touch with others, getting involved in an art project, cleaning out the closet -  one thing we normally reserve as a good thing to do (if there’s time) is becoming more of a need and less of an option - being of service to others.  Now this is a tricky thing to pull off given social distancing. 

By the way, if you are working in a hospital or grocery store or bank or gas station - or any other essential service, you can stop reading now and just accept our never ending gratitude - and apologies for the way your supplies have been short changed on the battle lines. 

When we are stressed, isolated and are being told of a literal threat to our survival, the tendency is to close in, draw up the bridge, shut the gates, and hoard goods.  That’s understandable, and we all need a certain amount of self-preservation in such dire straits,  Additionally we are faced with the irony that right now withdrawing is an act of service to our neighbor.  Still, if we entirely cut off from the suffering around us we could start collapsing in, become anxiety ridden, fall into depression, or even grow paranoid.  The psyche can become highly neurotic in ongoing isolation (in the prison system we punish prisoners by putting them in solitary confinement  - hardly rehabilitative btw).  

In studying the brain researches have found three primary ways the brain is benefitted from being of service to others:

- Greater caregiving related activity in the septal area.

- Reduced stress-related activity in dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, right anterior insula, and right amygdala.

- Greater reward-related activity in left and right ventral striatum.

In twelve-step programs an addict is trained to “get outside of yourself,” by helping another addict. We can also double down on the psychological benefits of giving by combining expressing gratitude when we give. In positive psychology research, gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.  For instance, hospitals have had many face masks donated by citizens who had them at home along with notes of gratitude for the health care workers.  

Being of service to others can sometimes feel like a chore in times of crisis.  “I’m already so tired,” “I have so much to do,” “I can’t take care of everyone,” may ring through your mind.  Still we are not talking about rescuing a sinking ship or joining Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity. A friend of mine has started cooking and delivering food to his older, homebound friends.  He reports feeling relieved of anxiety, motivated, and more focused than usual. We might be talking about making outreach phone calls to people just to see how they are, making a donation, being present for someone grieving, or taking in a sick friend’s dog until they are better.  If you look around to see how you can help there’s a lot to do in these times.  Those things will not just be helpful to the one you serve, they might just change your brain and help you find peace in the storm of a pandemic.  

Click below for a take on how helping others helps yourself:

WHERE'S YOUR PONY?

A horse farmer kept the manure from his animals in a barn stall for fertilizer.  One day he entered the barn and found the boy next door knee deep in manure and digging through it.  “What are you doing?”, the farmer yelled.  “There must be a pony in here somewhere!”, the boy smiled.  

When we are faced with dire times, when it all looks like shit, the tendency is to go small, sink into fear, lose hope, and hoard toilet paper.   But what if there is a pony in it for you?  What if you miss your pony and all experience is a pile of poop?   

When World War II happened, the allies were prepared for Winston Churchill to lose, and even conveyed that likelihood to him.  To make matters worse King Edward VIII, in secrecy, was in contact with Hitler advising him on the probable fall of England (depicted in the recent series, The Crown).  

Churchill was outraged with the lack of support from allies and gave a speech stating, “...the Battle of Britain is about to begin...Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this island or lose the war. If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be freed and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands...if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "This was their finest hour.”  In the end Churchill found a pretty big pony.  

During the AIDS epidemic, the government, lost in homophobia, failed to address the issue and turned away from its dying citizens.  Grass roots organizations like ACT UP, AIDS Project Los Angeles, and others rose from the ranks of civilians, relying on small donations and major benefactors like David Geffen to fund the effort, Marianne Williamson held her first weekly lectures and founded Project Angel Food - to deliver meals and comfort to homebound patients.  Volunteers rushed into the breach of the disaster.  Many people found their inner warrior, their hero, their “pony”, in the most dire of circumstances.  

Now we are faced with another virus.  Some have sunk into fear - grocery store shelves are empty, one man hoarded 17,700 bottles of hand sanitizer and started to price gauge the public - selling it for over a hundred dollars a bottle (he later donated it all after the backlash), toilet paper is being pillaged (huh?), gun shops report long lines.  

Still, others have shown up in hazmat suits to sanitize public areas, reported to work at hospitals and supermarkets, kept gas stations open.  One friend said he was driving and had an urge to pull over and pray - the prayer session lasted an hour.  Others have deepened their meditations. Many make outreach calls to members of their twelve step program, church, synagogue, or community.  Another friend is rediscovering her love of art while social distancing.  

On a societal level we are seeing the beginnings of major shifts.  The virus has driven home the reality that the pathology of homelessness in the wealthiest country in the world has to end or we are all in jeopardy.  Yesterday Gavin Newsom, the governor of California, reported plans to house all homeless to protect them and protect society from the pandemic. The argument for universal health care has gained major ground.  In the end the obvious truth that was there all along is being shoved at us - we do have to take care of each other to take care of ourselves.

The daily news is less about what country is threatening another country with nuclear weapons and more about how we are doing as a world, and how we need to work together to stem a global crisis.  Dare I say, compassion could be on the rise?  An environmental expert said to me, “For the first time in years, the air in China isn’t polluted.” 

Where’s your pony?  Do you need to reach out to someone in need, even if it be virtually?  Are you a medical professional who can both protect yourself and show up for work?   Are you ready to stop procrastinating on a major life project while needing to spend more time at home?  Is there someone to forgive and release from your resentment list?  Is there anyone you can reach out to support? Can you share a roll of toilet paper with the old lady next door?  

Your inner hero needs a great challenge to be actualized in your life.  Don’t look now, but there’s one right in front of your face.  If you ask the simple question, “How can I serve during this time?”, the thing you need to do will come to your awareness, your pony will show up - get on it, take a ride. 

Click below to see Marianne Williamson’s take on how to approach true success:

THE NURTURING DARK

Mostly we just want to feel good.  This usually involves an effort to get away from our darkness - get away from our insecurity, our depression, our anxiety, our anger, our feelings of abandonment, engulfment, hopelessness, or helplessness.  That makes sense, no one likes those feelings.  How we get away from them tends to be the problem.  The usual suspects come to mind: drugs (prescription and recreational), sex, food, alcohol, mindless entertainment, the internet, blaming or attacking others, even physical violence.  These things put us on an endless, neurotic loop. The pain never gets resolved. It just gets repressed into the unconscious and builds up.    

Psychology tends to favor more feminine methods of feeling better:  inner child work, self-compassion, unconditional positive regard, “taking care of ourselves”, art therapy, mindfulness, cognitive reframing / insight oriented therapy, etc.  All of these are excellent for mental health and yet there is a darker side to healing that doesn’t look so pretty.

This side has a more masculine, dark approach.  It might be something like Primal Therapy (popularly known as Primal Scream Therapy) - which ushers the patient through old trauma (that can often be pre-verbal) and accesses parts of the primal / feeling brain to then emote and even scream - allowing the release of long held pain, abreactive work - pounding an empty chair while processing repressed trauma, psychodrama - safely enacting past childhood abuse issues in an effort to heal, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) - often used to process trapped pain that has resulted in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) - war veterans are often candidates for EMDR.  

When terror is addressed too intellectually, medicated for years, or handled too gently, it can sometimes fall short of the deep seated healing that needs to take place.  If I needed to rage and roll around on the ground as a child but was shut down by the attending adults, I might need to do some rolling around as an adult to get those stuck feelings out and empathized with.  I once worked at a recovery center that allowed the clients to smash old dishes while they screamed out their frustrations.  Many clients expressed a new found energy for living after releasing the trapped energy of repressed anger they never allowed themselves to feel.  

When boys are encouraged to be “good boys,” they often miss a crucial developmental stage where they can safely experience their dark sides: rebel, dye their hair, go on camping excursions, do a sweat lodge in which they go into a dark hut and sweat - sing - and yell under intense heat, box, do martial arts, chop wood, hunt, or play an electric guitar (maybe get into heavy metal - punk rock - rap, etc.).   Boys are traditionally fascinated with monster movies, dinosaurs,  toy guns, war games,  and other subjects as a way of expressing their darkness.  Sanitizing their childhood with soft activities can be problematic when they encounter the dark side of life as adults.  They might need a “sharper mental sword” to get through a graduate program, a break up, or financial challenges when they reach adulthood.  

Girls, especially those from poor families, can still be enculturated into passivity by encouraging them to  focus on playing with dolls, learning  to cook, clean, and attract boys, and eventually “find a husband to take care of me,” etc.  A popular book, Clan of the Cave Bear, became a bestseller telling the story of Ayla, a woman in a cave tribe, who dared learn to hunt and make her own way.  She was rejected by the tribe yet came into her full powers as a woman.  Today women are still paid less than men, largely objectified, and told in many ways to be subservient to men.  The Women’s March, the Me Too movement, etc., embody reclaiming the intensity and sharpness that women have been dulled too from patriarchal systems.  

When we don’t get experiences with the nurturing dark we are often more at risk for the destructive dark behaviors:  violence, control, manipulating, force, criminal activities, etc.  Gang members are in the grips of trying to self-empower through the destructive dark energies (which will never result in self-empowerment in a legitimate way) largely because no one showed them ways of being loved in the nurturing dark.  

The nurturing dark elements are part of your life. A place of intensity and aliveness that is reflected in actions that might not look so “nice” to others.  Do you have a fascination with Native American sweat lodges but have never done one?  Are you a frustrated female boxer?  Have you had a chance to scream and writhe about unprocessed pain with someone to act as a witness and say, “Its ok, I’m here and I accept you just as you are.”  Are you feeling dull, unmotivated, stagnated?  You might need to find help in letting you see the light in the darkness.  

Click below to see Dr. Arthur Janov describe Primal Therapy:

STEVE JOBS' TEACHER

Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.  Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. I want to put a ding in the universe. 

- Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs wasn’t actually that great at computer programming, his colleague, Steve Wozniak, did the heavy lifting in that department.  Jobs became famous for his business acumen, his creative vision of what a computer could do, and his brilliance at designing a computer that looked cutting edge, sleek, and even, well — delicious.   Like all great inventors he was able to bring into manifestation things that were only in his imagination — and he allowed himself to have a bigger imagination than most.  

Just how far out of the box Jobs was with his thinking came into sharp focus at his funeral.  On the way out, everyone who attended the funeral (over five hundred people) were given a small brown box.  In it was a copy of the his favorite book, Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramahansa Yogananda.  The books main message — stop chasing the outside world, look inside,  transcend your individual self (ego), and actualize your universal self (soul). The autobiography  had already become legend among meditative spiritual seekers; but it was hardly a go to text in silicon valley with the computer geek set who was storming the world with their technological revolution.  

The book outlines how to harness powers beyond the linear thinking of the human mind.  Yogananda came to the west with a mission to spread eastern yogic teachings and unite them with western doctrine.  He founded Self Realization Fellowship , the “church of all religions.”  The book is not for the faint of heart. It is ripe with passages of events that would rest easily along side miracles from The Bible.  It challenges the modern mindset and what we have come to accept as possible and impossible. 

Yogananda’s teachings also promoted combining eastern mysticism with western material know how.  Jobs was said to read the book every year for the last forty years of his life.  It was also the only book he downloaded to his I-pod.  He learned that his intuition was his greatest gift — and that there was enormous power in developing, following, and creating from it.  Albert Einstein is said to have read the book multiple times. The book was also the late Beatle George Harrison’s favorite. Harrison said, “I keep stacks of it around to hand out to anyone who needs help.”

Going past our conditioned, limited thinking can be enormously challenging. We can often be in a trance of limitations, unable to see past our own history. When we even entertain books like this, we give our minds a chance to consider a new paradigm, step past the known, and give ourselves the gift of imagination — and maybe even self-realization.

From the Autobiography of a Yogi:

You must not let your life run in the ordinary way; do something that nobody else had done, something that will dazzle the world. Show that God’s creative principle works in you.

Click below to hear entrepreneur Joseph Rodriguez do a deep dive into some of the life themes of Autobiography of a Yogi:

THE JOY OF SELF-CONTROL

Therapist: “Your problem is that you’re spoiled.  Your whole life is centered around instant gratification.”

Carrie:  “Instant gratification takes too long.”

———————————————— Postcards From The Edge

Self-Control gets a bad rap. We want to be “free,” do what we want, get out of the confines of society and our upbringing, “reward” ourselves.  Too often though, that kind of thinking results in reckless indulgences.  We become addicted to the body’s sense pleasures. We start relying on the money, the cigarettes, the sex, the alcohol, the pipe, the drugs, the entertainment, the food, the gambling, the television, the internet surfing, the phone, the massages, the fill-in the blank - as a way out of the suffering of being human.  

When we hear the term Self-Control it sounds like a downer.  We often just want more instant gratification when we get bored, restless, or uncomfortable.  Being addicted to the pleasures of the senses is essentially an addict’s mind set.  In the U.S. it’s not hard to see that a lot of our problems have to do with this out of control seeking for pleasure and avoiding pain.  We are not entirely, but are largely, a society of addicts.  We use the most recreational and pharmaceutical drugs, have some the most lavish forms of lifestyle in the world, exert the most influence on the world stage, and still have some of the highest rates of depression and suicide -  what’s up with that?  One possibility is that we are out of control much of the time. 

We forgot about the joys of Self-Control.  To be truly healthy psychologically we have to know where the line between risk taking and recklessness is.  We have to know the difference between enjoying the pleasures of the body and becoming spoiled, entitled children who don’t know when too much is too much.  We have to know there are things that just aren’t good for us:  heroin, cocaine, pornography, prostitution, too much alcohol, being stoned all day, hoarding resources, too much food, too much entertainment, too much money (huh?), etc.  

Anyone who has gone from obesity to fitness has discovered the challenges of not eating the whole tub of ice cream and of moving their body.  In that process they may have dealt with deep fears that arise when they give up self-soothing fatty foods.  They may come to know that the fat they carried acted as a kind of wall that was used for psychological protection, and that, in facing their fears, they realized they did not need this kind of demoralizing “protection”  in their life.  They come to see they are strong enough to protect themselves without destroying their health.  They develop a new empowerment and joy of who they are by learning Self-Control.  

Anyone whose done serious addiction work and recovered has experienced the pain of detox involved in Self-Control.  In giving up their “best friend” (i.e. their drug of choice), they may discover a new capacity to achieve, serve others, and the joy of developing a relationship with their “higher power” - as defined in twelve step programs.  Self-Control, as it turns out, saves an addict’s life.  

A person who gives up addictive sexual practices with real or virtual partners may go through the pain of facing their own sense of unworthiness without medicating it with sex.  Currently, with the advent of virtual reality, virtual sex is reaching a whole new level of absurdity combing the computer with rubber dolls.  The inherent desperation of someone indulging their senses with a head-set on while having sex with a rubber mannequin is all too obvious. By learning Self-Control someone involved in compulsive sexuality can discover the joys of being in integrity with themselves, and resetting their sexual templates for greater intimacy in the bedroom. 

Most of us have small ways we indulge the senses that are just enough to short circuit parts of our lives.  We may watch just enough television, Netflix, or Hulu to avoid our creative work, we might watch just enough pornography to keep us out of relationship or out of our sex life with our partner, we might eat just enough sugar to keep our energy continually lagging, we might go to a spiritual service but be too involved in getting stoned to practice the teachings, we might continually oversleep complaining that, “My bed is too comfortable to get out of it.”

Self-Control sounds like a drag to the spoiled child part of ourselves.  To our adult self it is food for a healthy life.  As we see spoiled children often turning into entitled, out of control adults, we can be careful about “spoiling ourselves” - knowing our limits, not giving in to temptation.  If you look closely enough you might see an addiction in your life, or at least an indulgence that is costing you more than it’s giving - bad health, depression, anger issues, anxiety, poor finances, lack of achievement, social isolation, etc.  

Can you exert a little more Self-Control?    Can you give up saying things like, “I don’t know why I can’t stop” - as you finish the whole pizza - again.   In twelve step recovery there is a concept called willingness, that elusive attitude of being willing to take “contrary action” when a craving hits.  It can also be said that the ability to develop Self-Control is about learning to give up control. Say what?

Cravings to indulge our senses often come from unaddressed shame we are hiding, denying, and trying to control.  The sense indulgence is a way of satiating the shame, medicating it, shoving it down.  If we can give up controlling the shame, we have a better chance of exercising Self-Control.  When you want to over eat, (or other favorite compulsive behavior) try saying to yourself, “I’m having the thought that I want to over eat to get away from my self-loathing and my loneliness.”  This creates some space between you and your thought to act out on a craving.  What if you then honored your feelings of shame, self-loathing, loneliness, or unworthiness?  Perhaps you can practice compassion for the shame.   Put a hand on your body where the shame feels intense and say, “I’m not the only one who feels this.  Many people have the same feelings of unworthiness.  It’s ok to feel this feeling, I love myself just as I am.  There’s nothing wrong with me.  I feel deep compassion for my loneliness.”  This welcoming in of the shame, cognitive distancing of the triggering thought to act out, and Self-Compassion , can help us develop Self-Control.   We may also need to share the feeling in therapy, with a trusted friend, a sponsor, or anyone who can gives us the comfort that we are not alone, that our feelings are normal, and they we are loved.   In the end Self-Control, as boring as it sounds, could be the key to your greatest joy.

Click on the picture below to see Jonathan Bricker’s Ted Talk on Self-Control:  

TERMINAL UNIQUENESS IS A KILLER

In twelve-step recovery circles the phrase “terminal uniqueness” is applied as a warning to everyone trying to get sober.  But, even if you aren’t in a recovery program, you’ve probably felt terminally unique around certain challenges. The term refers to a belief that your pain is so special or different from everyone else’s, there must be a serious character defect in you that no one else has.  The internal voice of terminal uniqueness sounds something like this:  “I’m the only one that struggles like this.”  “I must be really messed up since everyone else can get sobriety but I can’t.”  “No one can really see how much pain I’m in.”  “No one else can understand how terrible my childhood was.”  Terminal uniqueness can also afflict the well to do.  The voice morphs into a different set of attacks:  “I got everything I wanted and I still hate myself.   I must just be a broken, a total loser.”  “I got the house, the car, the kids,  and the husband - and I’m still depressed. I should just kill myself.”   “I thought being rich would make me happy, but I think I was happier in my one bedroom apartment.  It’s hopeless, there’s just something wrong with me.”  

We call it terminal uniqueness because if you follow its story that you are some kind of alien species that is so messed up no one can understand you, the only “solution” the story leads you to is suicide. If not suicide, the solution will at least be a kind of psychological cut off, an isolation that results in a lifetime of slow, confused misery, hiding, and pretending to be ok.  In this case terminal uniqueness does not necessarily kill you physically, but it kills the joy out of your life.  You live, “a quiet life of desperation.” 

You are not terminally unique.  It is actually egotistical to believe your problems are that special.  Your problems are not superior to everyone else’s. You aren’t floating above Earth in a spaceship full of manure wishing you could touch ground.  On a planet of seven billion and counting, there are millions who have experienced some version of the kind of pain you’ve gone through in your life.   They’ve gone through, addiction, physical handicaps, child abuse, depression, poverty, divorce, the loss of a partner - parent - or child, business failure, lost love, broken heartedness, prison time, unrequited love, abandonment, betrayal, financial abuse, suicidal ideation, a drug addicted relative, disease, physical abuse -  if you can name a challenge in your life, many have already gone through it or are currently going through it.

Terminal uniqueness is the mother ship of the internal victim. It is the story in your mind that continues to recycle about what a failure you are as a human being.  Its goal is the destruction of peace, love, creativity, success, and even physical survival.  Its voice is a lie.  You belong to the human race, and if you look around even a little you will find companions who can look you in the face and say, “I know what you’re talking about, I’ve been there.”  

So where should you look?  Well, we are in the age of Google.  It’s pretty easy.  Just do a search for your issue and you’ll find a group that corresponds.  Have an alcohol issue? Alcoholics Anonymous  is for you - https://www.aa.org/.  In debt?  Debtors Anonymous is your group - https://debtorsanonymous.org/.   Having a midlife crisis as a man?  Try Mankind Project - https://mankindproject.org/.   Midlife problem as a woman?  Try  a Her Weekend -  https://herweekend.com/.  Part of the LGBT community?  Google the LGBT center near you -  https://lalgbtcenter.org/.  Bisexual? Try Ambi - http://www.ambi.org/ Sexual abuse survivor?  Look up Stop It Now -  https://www.stopitnow.org Have a drug abuse issue? Narcotics Anonymous is there for you -  http://greaterlosangelesna.org/ Looking at too much porn or hooking up with strangers?  Check out Sex Addicts Anonymous - https://saa-recovery.org/. 

Or, just join a support group lead by a qualified therapist.  The list of recovery groups, support groups, and help available today is endless.  If you are not availing yourself to the help you need you may be listening to the voice of terminal uniqueness that says, “No one can help me.  I’m hopeless.  My problem is too unusual. I’m unique. Stay home, don’t even try.”  Don’t listen to its lies! You are valuable, you are needed. Take a stand, reach out, YOU ARE NOT TERMINALLY UNIQUE.  

Click below to see Mary C. Von Olen’s take on Terminal Uniqueness:

DON'T GIVE UP - GIVE IT A PASS

Most of us want to give up on something we hold deeply important. We’ve tried to “follow our dreams” and have fallen short one too many times.  We want to turn to a boring but safe job.  We tried to get sober for the tenth time and have given in again to the voice that says, “You’re never gonna get it, go get a fifth of vodka.”  We have tried to get the weight off but keep finding ourselves eating at midnight.  We have tried to write the book, the song, the play - but can’t get past our “writers block.”   Someone is on their second divorce and has decided Netflix and beer are a better alternative than trying to be with someone again.  We could have tried to invest but kept losing money so we became tight fisted and small with our dollars.   I once talked to a man at a garage sale about how I was learning to meditate.  He smiled and said, “Yeah, I used to meditate. I like TV now.”    Then there’s suicide -  the ultimate giving up.

A voice in our head rings with some version of the same refrain in these situations - “Give up, you’re damaged: not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not educated enough, not loved enough . . . .  It’s not worth it anymore.”  

In our right mind we know giving up is playing small but that voice can be pretty convincing when we are down for the count.   It’s not nearly as romantic to overcome self-doubt as it  looks in the movies - it can be down right grueling.    When we give up we are listening to a false, conditioned voice that pretends to be us, that pretends to know what it’s talking about, but that is actually a self-destructive voice we must all contend with in some area of our lives.   Where did this voice come from?  In psychology we talk about the conditioned, shadow voice as a result of childhood trauma, in the Bhagavad Gita its taught that we are all fighting a great internal battle,  Christians say “the devil made me do it,”  in Judaism its the Yetzer Hara, for some its simply “the ego.”  However we want to view this voice of self- doubt we have to contend with it.  No one gets through Earth school without it.  

How to contend with the voice has many faces.  We might just need someone to look us in the eyes and say, “I know how you feel, I feel the same way.”  We might need someone to say, “You’re great.  You can do it. I’ll hold your hand until you get there.”  Anger can sometimes be helpful as a counter to the desire to give up.  “I won’t live like this anymore!,” can take someone a long way.   Medication can be in order if someone is on the precipice of doing harm to themselves.  We might need to leverage the voice utilizing techniques such as Emotional Freedom Technique, Self-Compassion, Inner Child work, or Mindfulness.

When an author gets stuck and the voice of giving up is chanting, “This is the worse piece of crap anyone has ever written, you should just shelf it,”  she can use the method of, “doing a pass.”  That is,  she can answer the voice with, “I’m just doing a pass on this book.  This is far from the finished product, it's supposed to be bad in the beginning.  I’ll do a lot of passes on it before its done.” Her answer to the voice of doubt can relieve her of the idea that the book needs to be perfect out of the gate - and thus give her the creative bandwidth to get on with it. Movie scripts can famously have twenty or thirty passes done on them before they  are ready to shoot.

 What if you were to use this method of giving it a pass when you were wanting to give up?  “I did my first pass at sobriety, I have to do another one, and another until it sticks.”  “I did my first pass at running a business.  I  might have to do a few more passes before one succeeds.”   “I did my first pass on this song, it needs a lot more passes before it’s ready to record.”  “I did my first pass at investing. I have more passes to go before an investment pays off.”  Even, “I did my first pass at marriage, I’m ready for another one.”   

If you’re really stuck and ready to give up, try saying to yourself, “I’m just doing a pass at this. I have all the passes I need to get it right.”  

Click the picture below to see Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush give us some encouragement with their song, Don’t Give Up.  (Elton John credits this song with helping him get through sobriety from drugs and alcohol.  He had to do many passes at sobriety before he got clean.) 

WHAT'S YOUR PRACTICE?

Maximillian, an expert archer, was touring the country side putting on stunning exhibitions.  Crowds formed wherever he went.  They watched him split an apple in midair, hit a target blindfolded, he stood on his hands and shot the bow with his feet, Maximillian sent flaming arrows through a spinning hoop.  The crowds applauded with wild enthusiasm showering him with coins.  At a small town outside London the archer was once again in perfect display of his talents.  He was startled when, from the crowd he kept hearing someone whisper,  “It’s just practice.”  Each time he achieved his stunning feats the voice murmured,  “It’s just practice.”  

Later, as he walked through the village he passed an oil salesman.  The salesman looked familiar.  Maximillian confronted him,  “Excuse me, were you the man who was ridiculing my archery show today with chants of, “It’s just practice?”  The oil salesman smiled sheepishly.  “Yes, I admit, that was me.”   Maximillian reared back.  “Don’t you know how amazing the skills are I have and how long it took to achieve them?  No one can do what I can do.  How can you deride me like that?”  The oil salesman nodded and reached down,  “I’ll show you.”  He produced a coin with a tiny hole in it. “Hold this low to the ground.”  Maximillian shrugged and held the coin two inches from the dirt. The oil salesman took out a large pot of oil and poured it from five feet above the coin.  The oil streamed perfectly through the coin’s hole without a drop touching the metal.  The salesman stopped the stream of oil, and held out the pot. “Now you do it.”  Maximillian stood perplexed. The salesman smiled.  “You see, you can’t do it.  You haven’t practiced.  I’ve been practicing it for years.   All you have done is practice some tricks and performed them.  All of life is just practice.  Some people are practicing archery, some practice making money, some are practicing laziness, others practice depression with repeated depressive thoughts, some are practicing their addictions by committing to drinking or sex or drugs, some are practicing joy by joyful thoughts and generosity, some practice giving up, some practice painting, others practice getting fat by eating over their feelings, some practice poverty, and others practice perfecting their bodies with work out routines and diet.  Life is very simple my friend, it’s all just practice. Once you know what you are practicing you have the choice to continue and master it, or change your practice.” 

Have you considered what you are practicing?  Serious meditators say they have a “meditation practice.”   Athletes say their success is based on going to “practice.”  The Beatles famously practiced ten thousand hours of playing music in strip clubs before breaking through to the main stream.   Authors Steven Pressfield and James Patterson have a writing practice every day.  Stevie Wonder sits down at the piano every morning and practices.   

When we come into therapy we’ve usually been conditioned from early experiences to practice things like self-hatred, hopelessness, helplessness, procrastination, blaming, victimization, we practice addictions, laziness, codependency, violence, jealousy, avoidance, obsession, the list goes on.   

What if we realized all of our pain was coming from past conditioning and practicing the wrong things?  What if we decided to adopt new practices in a very straightforward, simple manner?  What if we stopped over complicating our lives with endless analysis?  What if our lives were mostly just cause and effect?  We can practice self-loving thoughts in place of self-criticism, we can have a work out practice, we can spend time practicing our art instead of practicing watching TV, we can  practice generosity, practice prosperity thinking and investing, practice action instead of passivity, practice directness in place of people pleasing, practice sobriety in place of addiction, etc.

Old practices can die hard.  There has been a lot of conditioning going on in our brains through self-destructive practices.  We may need the leverage of a professional to change.  With a therapist we can make new commitments, be held accountable until we can hold ourselves accountable, challenge our belief systems, and develop healthy practices.

What’s required is self-responsibility, a willingness to look at what we’ve been practicing, and a commitment to practice those things that work.   Remember, every day you are practicing something.  What's your practice?  

Click below to see the king of practice, Michael Jordan, gives us a lesson:

WATCH YOUR WORDS

Words are vibrations of consciousness. They are not “just words,”  they are energy patterns in motion and have the power to heal and destroy.  A word of encouragement can uplift a broken heart, give someone the strength to go on, even save a life at a key moment.  Verbal assaults can deeply wound a person’s belief about themselves, leave a scar of self-doubt, limit someone’s willingness to risk.  Bullying has even lead to suicide in many cases.  In the recklessness of the current generation words designed to malign and destroy have become commonplace.   We are sometimes “fish in water” - where it can seem normal to be vicious.  Sometimes people will argue, “I”m just being honest,” when they go on the attack - spewing assaults in an effort to be “honest.”

True story:  Sister Mary Sullivan taught elementary school kids.  When asked about teaching her eyes go misty.  “Even with so many bright shining faces in my class Mark Clemons stood out.  He was a beam of light; hard working, encouraging of other kids, and always had a kind word.  The only trouble I ever had with him was his constant talking during class, but even then he would throw me.  Each time I told him to stop talking he would reply with, “Thank you for correcting me sister.”   It  was such a courteous reply to my scoldings I would fall silent.  Still, one day I had had it.  Mark was once more muttering to a school mate during my lesson.  “Mark,”  I said sternly.  “If I hear you talk one more time while I’m teaching I’m going to tape your mouth shut!”  Ten minutes later another student shouted, “Mark is talking again sister!”  Having called him out in the class I had to make good on my threat.  I marched to my desk, got the masking tape, went over to Mark, and put a big “X” of tape over his mouth.  Going to my desk and already feeling guilty to shut down such a sweet kid, I turned back to see how he was doing.  Mark smiled and winked at me.  I burst out laughing - as did the whole class. In defeat, I went back and pulled the tape off of his mouth.”  

“Six years later I had Mark again for Algebra.  He was just as handsome and well tempered as ever. He was struggling in class though.  In fact, the whole class seemed to be sliding down hill.  Students were not performing and discord among them was common place.  Remembering Mark’s sweetness as a child I told the class to take out a piece of paper, list all of their classmates names, and write down the kindest thing they could say of about each one.  The class left their lists with me. I brought them home and compiled each person’s list of kind character traits that had been observed by others.  “He is the smartest one in the class.”  “She is always willing to help me. I couldn’t get through class without her.”  “He has quiet strength.”  “She is a queen.”  “He has the kindest eyes,” and so on.  I distributed the lists the next day.  They were in dismay.  “I never knew anyone thought that about me.”  “Did someone really say I was smart?”  “I never thought I was good enough in class.  Is that what they really think of me?”  “I always thought no one liked me. Wow.” “

“Ten years later I was visiting home.  My parents picked me up at the airport. On the way home my dad cleared his throat.  “Umm, Mary, I have to tell you something.  Do you remember your student Mark Clemons?”  “Oh, yes, did he call you?” I asked eagerly.  “Well, no.  His parents called me.  I’m sorry to tell you, Mark was killed in Vietnam.  The funeral is next week.  It would mean a lot to them if you went.”  I fell into  a numb grief.” 

She goes on, “The funeral was full of sobbing, many of Mark’s classmates showed up.  After the funeral Mark’s brother pulled me aside and said, I think you might know what this is. It was found on Mark when he died in combat.  Mark’s brother handed me a folded piece of paper, the one I had written all the beautiful qualities Mark’s classmates had seen in him.  I collapsed into tears. Mark’s classmate’s gasped at the site of the paper.  John, said, “Oh my God.  I have mine in the top drawer of my desk at home.  Dave said, “My wife put mine in our wedding album.”  Sue, a third classmate slowly pulled a piece of paper out of her purse. “I always have mine on me.””

Whether it’s affirmations, monitoring self-talk (inner child. work), learning to mirror others, using “I” statements, holding others as equals in conflict, giving up being “right”, or risking telling others we love them, being a conscious human being with our words takes work. 

What words are you sharing with others?  Can you hold yourself when your tongue wants to lash out?  Can your need to confront someone be tempered in a way that the other person can hear you?  Can you risk being more giving, blessing the person in front of you with your words?  

Click on the picture below to see Mohammed (which means praised or praiseworthy) Qahtani talk about The Power of Words: 

STAND UP TO IT

Social psychologist Amy Cuddy made her mark at the TED TALKS when she delivered an impassioned speech on how body language affects who we are and how our lives unfold.   It isn’t just about how others respond to our body language, it’s how body language affects our hormonal levels, brain function, presence in life, and overall success.

Body language power poses are reflected both in the animal kingdom and in humans. When animals and people feel powerful their body language is expansive, open and upright.  When both species exhibit weakness they make their bodies small:  cower, close off, and hide their body.  For instance, when a cobra is in protection mode it rears up, flares its hood and hisses.  When an ape wants to exhibit dominance it stands up, throws its shoulders back, and maybe even beats its chest (yes, think King Kong). A submissive ape will cower and cover their head.  Other submissive animals might lay on their back and expose their stomachs to their dominant rival. 

When an athlete is successful they will universally expand themselves, open their arms, stand upright, smile. When a leader gives an effective speech she is upright, commanding, direct.  People who embody powerful body language feel more powerful, think more optimistically, and are willing to take risks. People who habitually demonstrate submissive or weak body language reflect weak views of themselves and their ability to achieve in life. 

Further, we tend to compliment each other.  If one person is demonstrating expansive body language, the person they are talking to will tend to reflect a smaller, more submissive one - and vice versa.  

Cuddy states that even our biochemical makeup changes with body language.  People who habitaully stand in powerful body language have higher testosterone levels (the “power” hormone) and lower cortisol levels (the “fear” based hormone).  When we cower our cortisol levels spike up and our testosterone levels lower. 

Cuddy goes on to say we can “fake it till we become it”, meaning, if you are habitually holding yourself in submissive body language, you can force yourself to stand in power positions before stressful situations such as job interviews or speeches.  These small “tweaks” on your body can help your testosterone levels rise, your cortisol levels drop, your brain change, your presence in a room enlarge, and your performance dramatically improve.   Stand up, don’t be afraid to fake it till you become the powerful person you are meant to be.  We need you to be the power house you are, and give others the permission to be the power house they are

Click in the picture below to see  Amy Cuddy give her TED TALK: 

LET IT BE

Below is part of an interview with Paul McCartney on how he wrote the iconic song, Let It Be.  

“I was going through a really difficult time around the autumn of 1968. It was late in the Beatles’ career and we had begun making a new album, a follow-up to the “White Album.” As a group we were starting to have problems. I think I was sensing the Beatles were breaking up, so I was staying up late at night, drinking, doing drugs, clubbing, the way a lot of people were at the time. I was really living and playing hard....I was exhausted! Some nights I’d go to bed and my head would just flop on the pillow; and when I’d wake up I’d have difficulty pulling it off, thinking, “Good job I woke up just then or I might have suffocated.”

Then one night, somewhere between deep sleep and insomnia, I had the most comforting dream about my mother, who died when I was only 14....my mother appeared, and there was her face, completely clear, particularly her eyes, and she said to me very gently, very reassuringly: “Let it be.”

It was lovely. I woke up with a great feeling. It was really like she had visited me at this very difficult point in my life and gave me this message: Be gentle, don’t fight things, just try and go with the flow and it will all work out.

So, being a musician, I went right over to the piano and started writing a song: “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me”… Mary was my mother’s name… “Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.” There will be an answer, let it be.” It didn’t take long. I wrote the main body of it in one go, and then the subsequent verses developed from there: “When all the broken-hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be....

So those words are really very special to me, because not only did my mum come to me in a dream and reassure me with them at a very difficult time in my life – and sure enough, things did get better after that – but also, in putting them into a song, and recording it with the Beatles, it became a comforting, healing statement for other people too.”

– Paul McCartney

When we fight with circumstances in life we create turmoil:  a widower drinks himself into a car accident after his wife dies. The alcohol is the agent of resistance to death--which creates more turmoil than the death itself.  If this man could have let his wife’s  death be grieved and accepted he could move on with his life.  

Multitudes have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge after years of depression.  Depression is the resistance to feeling angry and isolated.  Suicide is the ultimate rejection of the pain of depression.  If a suicidal person can access the ability to feel their rage, and experience “unconditional positive regard” from another (this can require a therapist), they can find their way through the emotional turmoil.  If they can just let their pain be felt, they can come to a place of acceptance and peace. 

The most healthy minded people have an objective, compassionate view of their challenges. One friend, whose house was foreclosed on said, “I thought of it as a bad investment. I’ll buy again after my credit rebounds.”  When another friend’s factory ceiling collapsed he said, “Its a pain, but it’s the cost of doing business.  Insurance will cover it.”  A man diagnosed with cancer shrugged, “Its just another thing to deal with.”   That is, they all let their problems be.  The foreclosed on friend did buy again, the factory was restored and went on to be even more successful, the man with cancer survived many more years.  Letting things be doesn’t guarantee things will work out in the way we want, it just gives them a much better chance of working out, and removes the undue psychological suffering of fighting the river of what is.  The Beatles did break up, but Paul put himself in a place of peace during the breakup, and if you didn’t notice, he came out ok.  

If you’re going through some difficulty click below to get some healing from him:

GIVING UP GETTING

“When some people come in everyone lights up-- and when some people go out everyone lights up.”

Paramahansa Yogananda

Getting has become a national obsession.  How do I get the house, the car, the spouse, the money?  How do I get what I want out of this meeting, this deal, this marriage?  How do I get people to like me, love me, respect me?  This obsessive consciousness of getting revolves around a very small, insecure sense of self.   Sometimes this agenda of getting is subtle. Whenever you hear yourself say to someone, “How can you do that, after all I’ve done for?”   — you know what you’ve “done” or “given” has had some serious getting strings attached. 

We are not saying that knowing what we want from life is wrong, but rather, how do we approach life?

Michael Phelps, the most decorated swimmer in history, having won 23 Olympic medals, revealed that after every Olympics he sank into a deep depression. "I didn't want to be in the sport anymore," he said. "I didn't want to be alive."  "You do contemplate suicide."  How can the man who got everything he wanted and strived for feel so utterly hopeless?  In addition to his medals, Phelps was regularly fielding multi-million dollar endorsement deals.  The star swimmer reports that his depression lifted when he did therapy and started offering stress management courses. Phelps goes on to say, his ability to help those struggling has been "way more powerful" than any of his athletic achievements. "Those moments and those feelings and those emotions for me are light years better than winning the Olympic gold medal.”  Huh?  What about getting what you want? 

When we are in the consciousness of true giving, we are seeing others as fellow travelers in a storm, helping each other navigate.  The consciousness of giving from an unattached heart can not only result in getting what we want, it can heal our emotional pain that thrives on isolation, fear, and trying to “get.”  

This is demonstrated in the archetypal story of King Arthur.  A kingdom was to be given to the man strong enough to pull out a sword embedded in rock.  Knights from far and wide flocked to the rock and struggled to withdraw the sword.  Each gave up in defeat.  At the time Arthur was a page to a knight he was totally committed to in heart and mind.  The knight became involved in a sword fight to the death.  When the knight’s sword broke in half, Arthur ran to the rock and easily withdrew the sword so he could carry it back to the struggling knight.  His concern for giving to another had both saved the knight and given Arthur the kingdom.

When someone walks through the door with an agenda to get from others it can be felt in our bones.  We are on edge, wary, needing to guard our flank.  A friend of mine once said, “I gave up on being close to Harry when he called to get money out of me for his political campaign.  When I explained that I was paying off hospital bills he gave me sympathy and then came back at me again for a donation. I realized that every time he called me he was always trying to get something.”  

When a giver walks in we relax, cozy up, we want to be near them.  When Mother Theresa (now Saint Mother Theresa) went into the streets of Calcutta, she went alone.  Her only agenda was to give and serve.  By the end of her life she couldn’t go into public without being mobbed by admirers.  When my mother, who was a giver, was dying, she would move around the house slowly.  Like a human wave, we would move with her.  You just wanted to be near mom.  

At a recent spirituality conference there was a table of self help books.  One book, How To Change Other People, was selling out fast.  When asked about the book sales the seller joked, “I hope we don’t get a lot of returns.  The book is about changing others by changing yourself. Its about learning to love and give to others.” 

Click below to hear Deepak Chopra describe Abundance and the Law of Giving 

“Today and Everyday I Give that which I want to Receive.”  

DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT

Complaining and processing are two different animals.  When we are in need of processing difficult issues, getting psychological help to move through the labyrinth of confusion is a no brainer these days.  We need help to get outside our neurotic minds and get the acceptance, compassion, and insight needed to move forward.  Therapy can be a great source of help in navigating through painful problems.   Processing is working through the problem.  It is always apparent to me when someone wants to process.  The ear marks of this kind of person are:  being open to suggestion, curious about solutions, follow through on recommendations for change,  and an ability to take full responsibility for the problem.  

Complaining is something else.  Complaining is actually an unconscious attempt to stay stuck in the problem.  When we complain we are coming from a victim sub-personality that is just loving the complaints.  This victim personality wants to stay a victim, grow itself, and outsize any problem we encounter.  When we complain the reasoning is circular, often full of double binds,  and blames others—the neighbor, the lover, the parent, the government . . . even God.  Complaining is often constructed to convince a therapist that there is no way out of the problem— it just is what it is, and its really, really terrible.  The complaining person can insist they are  trying to work out a problem while they fight any suggestions for change, lack curiosity about how the problem came about, have poor follow through on recommendations to heal, and have a clear absence of responsibility about the problem in front of them.   

In Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Travelled, he opens with a now famous quote about the differences between processing and complaining:

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share. Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them?”

Indulging complaining can be truly toxic.  The person who is a habitual complainer may feel better after “venting”, but  they will eventually drive others away, suffer loneliness, experience chronic depression and anxiety, and have a tough time achieving goals.  In addition, research shows that complaining neural pathways actually establish in a person’s brain over time that shapes their life perception—seeing life from an unfair, victimized standpoint.  Complaining can decrease the size of the hippocampus in the brain — the part responsible for consolidation of information and problem solving.  Continual complaining increases cortisol levels —- the hormone responsible for activating a flight or attack response.  Ongoing heightened cortisol levels can result in high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and impaired immunity.  

I was once with a group of people at a restaurant.  Mary had her child Timmy with her.  Timmy would literally hang on his mother, whine, complain, and collapse to the floor crying until she gave him candy— which Mary invariably did.  Timmy was learning a cruel lesson.  He was being trained to complain to get what he wants from life. When he reaches adulthood he will be faced with the cold reality that the world does not respond as kindly to complaining as his mother does. A friend of ours, Pamela, who is herself a very good mother, witnessed the tantrum repeatedly at dinner until she couldn’t take it anymore.  Pamela finally pulled Timmy up from the floor and said, “Stop it Timmy.  Stand up.  You’re not getting any more candy today.”   Timmy, shocked at the rebuke, stopped crying and clung to his mother, shooting a fearful glance at Pamela. The rest of the table smiled at Pamela.

Author Carolyn Myss calls chronic complaining “woundology”.  That is, she argues that we can get so identified with our wounds that we learn a language of  bonding with  each other through talking about unresolved trauma and commiserating on the unlikelihood that we’ll ever fully recover. She says to break this toxic pattern we need courage— we need to be able to talk about our painful issues three times, then have the courage to stop talking about it.  (She is not talking about severe trauma such as the death of a loved one).   

We not only have to be aware of our external complaining but how we might be habitually looking at the world through a bitter lens in our internal world. “I never have enough money.”  “I’ll always be alone.”  “Why does this always happen to me?”  “Why does God make me suffer so?”  “I’m so tired.”  “I just want life to end, it would be such a relief.”   Can we have the courage to stop complaining outwardly or inwardly,  start taking responsibility, and move forward?  Focusing on gratitude and taking contrary action to the complaining mind are great remedies to the negative effects of complaining.  “I’ll always be alone” can be met with, “I’m grateful I have friends.  Joe is my friend.  I can date.  I’m going to call Anne for a date.”  “I’m always broke” can be countered with, “I’m grateful I have this place to live.  I have everything I need.  I'm going to start looking for new job.”  We need to be vigilant about complaining--even get accountability partners.  I have a friend who went on vacation with a few women—each of whom had troubled children.  Normally they would spend much of their vacation together anguishing over family woes.  My friend said, “Let’s talk about the kids for an hour and then agree we won’t talk about them again.  They all agreed, did just that, and they had one of the best vacations they had ever experienced together. 

Click below to see how the brain gets impacted by complaining: 

YOUR DINNER WITH ANDRE

Feeling lost or numb to life is a common syndrome these days.  “What should I do with my life?” “Why do I still feel so lost?”  “What will fix me?”—  Marriage?  Money?  Sex?  Cocaine?   Having kids?  A house?  Power?  A car? Another vacation?  A job?  A new relationship? More money?  Another house?  Another car?  

In the movie My Dinner With Andre, Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory do two things in the movie—eat dinner and talk.  This simple movie captured a massive, wildly enthusiastic audience.   It did this by offering a deep dive into the problem of living in modern society and an exploration of how to stay alive in it.  The men pull apart the value of breaking routines, opening the heart to other humans, and paying attention to the trances we are living in.  They explore what it means to not miss each other— to bear witness to each other’s experience and struggles.  How do we stop checking out, going into trance, and attacking each other? 

They also recognize their uncomfortableness with stillness, quiet, and lack of stimulation:  

Wallace: “Personally, I don’t like those quiet moments.”  

Andre:  “That makes you uncomfortable?”

Wallace:  “Well yes, why shouldn’t it?”

Andre:  “…that’s  interesting. You know when I was in Tibet people would gather for tea at night. We would sit and drink tea. If somebody had something to say they would, but mostly no one did, so we would just sit together.”  

How can we be connected if we are always looking for stimulation from food, sex, the internet, infotainment, shopping, etc.?  Can we stop our frantic need for distraction, get honest, and stop pretending to be ok if we are living in perpetual anxiety? 

The men explore the addiction to comfort, electric blankets, chicken, and numbing out:  

Andre:  “My mother knew a woman named Lady Hatfield who died of starvation because all she would eat is chicken.  She just liked chicken, but actually her body was starving but she didn’t know it because she was quite happy eating her chicken, and so, she finally died.  See, I think we’re all sort of like Lady Hatfield.  We’re having a lovely time with our chicken and our electric blankets, but we’re so cut off from reality we’re not getting any real sustenance.  We don’t see the world.  We don’t see ourselves. We don’t see how our actions affect other people.”    

Wallace:  “… are we all just bored, spoiled children who’ve just been lying in the bathtub all day playing with our plastic duck saying, well what can I do?”

Andre:  “Ok, yes, we’re bored . . . but has it ever occurred to you that this boredom might be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brain washing created by a world totalitarian government based on money, and that is is more dangerous than we think . . . that someone who is bored is asleep, and someone who is asleep will not say no?” 

The movie is a wake up call and a relief.  It becomes a relief to know that the problem of modern living is understood by others, and that we’re not alone in our experience.  It is a step into genuine connection, empathy and compassion for each other, and for ourselves.  It is a call to reach out, to find a way to serve others, to connect—even if that just means extending the effort to be entirely present in listening to another person.  (a friend of mine likes to constantly glance at his smart phone no matter how intimate our conversation might be, ugh).    The movie argues that much of the the problem of living comes from the focus on fear, the over exaggerated need to be recognized as special, the obsession with money, the infatuation with self, on sensual comfort, and the desire for predictability.  It is an invitation to look at ourselves, to touch the person’s shoulder next to you and ask, “Do you feel the same way I do?”  

Click below for a teaser of My Dinner With Andre::  

YOU CAN HANDLE IT

“Most men lead quiet lives of desperation.”  - Henry David Thoreau

Huh? What’s that all about?  Susan Jeffers, In her classic book, Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, posits one reason people might live “quiet lives of desperation.”  She says that everyone has fear, and most are trying to avoid it. Avoiding fear creates stress, worry, and feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, paralysis, and yes— desperation. 

If we live in avoidance of fear we might feel we are living inside an absurdist play.  In Waiting for Godot, by Samuel Beckett, two characters, Valdimir and Estrogon, sit around a tree talking about what they will do once “Godot” arrives.  Godot never does arrive and the characters live in a state of perpetual limbo, impotence, and frustration.  While the play is open to a vast array of interpretations, one might easily see the “lives of quiet desperation” Thoreau talks about in their perpetual waiting. The pair spend the entire play waiting for Godot to come to their rescue, give them hope, guidance, tell them what to do. Even at the end of the play when they agree to make the decision to move on, the pair don’t budge.  They are psychologically stuck, unable to deal with life.  They are living the myth of Sisyphus— a man doomed to the pointless task of rolling a stone up a mountain and watching it roll back down for all eternity. While Beckett may not agree that there is a way out of this dilemma (other than accepting the absurdity of life and “imagining Sisyphus happy”), Susan Jeffers would likely have another take on the play.  She would probably interpret their dilemma as the character’s unwillingness to face their fears, take responsibility for their lives, forget Godot, and get away from that damned tree. 

To face our fears Jeffers has a number of solutions.  She says we have to take 100% responsibility for our lives.  We can’t blame anyone for what we are having, feeling, being, or doing in our lives. When we blame we give away our power and live in paralysis.  She also reminds us that 90% of our fears never come true.  When we are feeling fear we are at our growth edge, about to expand, reaching past the known and into the great unknown—the adventure of life.   When we resist or avoid fear we live a life of fear—our lives become about about protecting ourselves, hiding, playing small.

She breaks our fears down into three categories.  

1. External Fears:  Fears about things outside of ourselves:  approaching an attractive person at a bar, investing in property, speaking publicly, going for a new career, etc.
2. Internal Fears: The imagined feelings of fear around not succeeding in dealing with the external fears: helplessness, hopelessness, paralysis, etc.

Let’s stop here, Jeffers argues that we often don’t reach the “Real Fear” of any challenge because we shut down and go into avoidance around the external and internal fears.  We stop trying, go away, get a massage, drink something, take a drug, watch TV, become stagnate, avoid the situation all together.  That is, unless we can embrace the Real Fear: 

3. Real Fear:  The fear that comes from the belief that “I can’t handle it” if I don’t succeed.  That’s it?  Yup, the Real Fear is that if I take on my fearful challenges I won’t be able to handle the consequences.  I’ll  loose all my money, become destitute, live my life in humiliation, kill myself, etc. 

Jeffers says to ask ourselves, “If I couldn’t fail, what would I be afraid of?”  She says that facing our fear is the only way to make it go away.  Often people even cry from relief after they face a long held fear.  The author goes on to advise us that whenever faced with a fear to go right to the “Real Fear” and tell yourself, “I can handle it.”  Whatever comes up in this situation I can handle it. I can handle it if the marriage goes south.  I can handle it if the business deal goes wrong.  I can handle it if the book isn’t published. I can handle it if they say no to my art.  Then she says to take on the fear in small pieces.  You can use what she calls the, “Pain to power continuum.”  On the continuum a 0 represents a complete sense of fear and helplessness.  A 100 represents full empowerment. If you are at a 20 on the pain to power continuum about quitting your job you can take it in small bites till you move to 100.  Don’t go in and quit your job today.  Today you might look at your finances and see what you need to live (moving to 30), next week you remake your resume (moving to 40), the next week you hire a head hunter (moving to 60), the next day you submit your resume to three businesses (70), the next week you go on an interview (80), the next week you say yes to the new job and quit your old one (100!) Or you say, “Ok, they turned me down, but on we go to the next interview.  I can handle this.”  

The big take away is that it is ultimately more painful to live a life of fear avoidance than a life of working through fear. Working through fear is a short term solution to your pain compared to the lifetime of pain that comes from avoiding it. 

What fears have you told yourself you can’t handle?  What if you could? What steps would you take on the continuum?

Click below to see MinionNoMore take on fear: 

THE INTEGRITY OF LIES

At one of Eckhart Tolle’s lectures on the consciousness of integrity a man got up and asked, “Mr. Tolle, my friend says he has integrity because he never lies and neither should I.  Is that a good policy?  Should we never lie?” Tolle looked down and contemplated the question.  He then wondered aloud, “I cannot tell a lie,  Anne Frank is in the attic.” 

Lies are slippery.  The are usually thought of as immoral, not a great idea, even cowardly.  But there’s something deeper going on than the after school sentiment of, “I will never tell a lie.”  That thing is called integrity.  What is the truth of a matter in any given situation?  If a man wants to sleep with his neighbor should he admit that to his wife in an effort to be honest, to not lie to her? What about being integrous to her emotional well being, her sensitivity, her boundaries?  

How about telling lies to children?  Is the collective lie of Santa Claus doing irreparable harm to a child’s psyche?  In the beloved movie, A Miracle On 34th Street, that question is explored.  A little girl, played by Natalie Wood, is told  early on that there is no Santa so that she knows “the truth”  and lives in “reality.”  She ends up seeing life through an antiseptic adult boredom, without mystery,  devoid of magic.  When she encounters a man who believes himself to be Santa she gets her sense of child like enthusiasm, playfulness, and joy back.  I myself enjoyed the Santa myth as a kid.  A guy flying around the world in a sleigh and coming down the chimney with enough toys for the whole world was rapt in mystery and excitement.  A quarter found under my pillow by the tooth fairy after the travails of losing a childhood tooth gave me a thrill.  Still, the whole Easter Bunny coming around with chocolate eggs thing was a bridge too far - what kind of fool did they take me for? 

Then again we’re all too familiar with the dark lies that violate integrity and build individual or collective houses of horror.   A “pre-emptive” war is started in Iraq when the government lies about weapons of mass destruction.   A woman lives with domestic violence and instead of leaving she lies to herself  that, “All men are like him.”  Wall Street brokers lie to themselves that mortgage manipulation and financial products that imploded the economy were just “part of capitalism.”  More recently politicians take money from gun lobbyists and promote that message that gun violence is a “mental health issue,”  not a gun issue— even as more children die. Should we not make it harder to get guns knowing there are mentally ill people out there, especially with the resounding successes of countries like Japan and Australia who have done just that and stopped mass shootings?

Integrity requires us to take a hard look.  We have to give up the buzz of instant gratification around sex, money, power, etc.  Integrity can be thought of as honoring your word, doing what you say you will do, being honest, walking a career path that aligns with your heart, being truthful to your authentic life—being whole and complete as a person.  What is your word to others and, especially,  what is your word to yourself when no one is looking?  Are you able to admit when you are wrong?  Do your behaviors benefit others?  In a society that can so often lack something as fundamental as integrity, where do you stand?  

Click below to see Ellen Degeneres's take on integrity:  

Are You Congruent?

True story:  One day a woman came to Mahatma Gandhi with her sugar addicted son.  The woman said, “Please sir, tell my son to stop eating so much sugar.  He’s getting sick from it and won’t listen to me. I know he’ll listen to you.”  Gandhi smiled and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” and went on to the next person in the room.  A few months later the woman, who was determined that Gandhi was her only hope, brought the boy to the great man again. “Please Mahatma, tell my son not to eat so much sugar!  I am fearful for his health!”  Gandhi looked at the boy and pointed a finger.  “Don’t eat so much sugar.”  The woman was taken aback.  She pulled Gandhi aside and asked, “Why didn’t you tell him that the last time I brought him to you?”  Gandhi smiled and said, “The last time you brought him I was eating too much sugar.” 
 
Being congruent can be a major challenge.  Still, we want to walk our talk, avoid hypocrisy, and be able to look ourselves in the mirror.  Its tough when we have internal forces working against our better nature. 
 
I once worked with a psychology supervisor who was grossly over weight. While she counseled others on learning to be safe with their feelings and not repress or medicate them, she was clearly medicating a lot of her own with food. Her mental health and ability to focus on work began to suffer so much she couldn’t hide the effects anymore. One day she was fired on the spot and escorted out of the building.  When they cleared out her office they found candy bars taped under desks, behind file cabinets, and inside the closet. 
 
We can be incongruent in a thousand ways:  the smiling neighbor who is a closet alcoholic and abusive parent, the business success story who is a weekend binge gambler living on credit cards, the religious zealot who is indifferent to the suffering of the homeless and encourages the bombing of innocent countries, the perfect housewife who is a prescription drug addict, the dedicated married man who cheats because— “I’m under so much pressure,” the pornography obsessed man who is overly protective of his daughter but fine with other men’s’ daughters pleasing his sexual tastes, the comedian who is secretly suicidal, Lance Armstrong, the hero of bike racing—getting busted for doping. 
 
We all have what is called “shadow” in Jungian psychology.  Shadow is that part of the psyche that runs contrary to our better nature.  Shadow wants us to be incongruent, run afoul of our values— even destroy others and ourselves.  We all have shadow and so we’re all subject to being incongruent with who we want to be—who we see ourselves as.  There is even a “collective shadow.”  Collective shadows appear when large groups go unconscious together.  Vietnam, Iraq, the mortgage meltdown, Watergate, the objectification and repression of women, African Americans, the LGBTQ community, and Native Americans—are just a few of the ways collective shadows have been played out in America.
 
Honesty is the best way to deal with incongruence. Shadow, the root of incongruence, thrives in the dark of isolation and hiding. Shadow can also be thought of as what author John Bradshaw calls, a shame bind.  We are ashamed of ourselves, we want to hide our incongruent behaviors, pretend to the world they don’t exist, be “liked and admired.”  But as we are seeing with things like the current political cast of characters and the, “Me too”, women’s movement— living in the shadow has an egg timer on it.  We always end up exposed to others and ourselves in the end. The roosters do one day come home to roost.
 
To be congruent we want to practice “rigorous honesty” as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous.  We define for ourselves what is and isn’t acceptable behavior according to our values. Then we can seek help in keeping ourselves accountable. We have a trusted friend, a therapist, a church group, a support group, a coach—anyone that we can be “rigorously honest with” and keep ourselves congruent.  If we need treatment for an addiction we seek out a twelve-step group.  If we are in debt we make a budget with a financial advisor or maybe join Debtor’s Anonymous.  If we have a rage issue we do anger management work with a therapist.
 
What areas we need to be congruent with comes from asking ourselves the simple question, “Am I congruent in all my behaviors for who I say I am?”   If the answer is no, its time to look for help.   If the answer is yes, you’ve probably done a good amount of work on yourself already. 
 
If we feel we are perfect and don’t need anyone’s help we could be truly dangerous in our incongruence.  All dictators, narcissists, and oppressors believe on some level that they are beyond reproach and that their bad behaviors are either not bad or because of others.  I recently saw a documentary on a Short Term Loan store chain that systematically stole tens of millions of dollars from thousands of poverty-stricken customers with hidden fees, small print, and manipulated loan payouts.  The owner of the chain, who had personally pocketed over two hundred million dollars, thought of himself as an innocent victim.  He tearfully stammered, “How can they do this to me?  I was just running a business.  I don’t understand.  I’m losing everything!”
 
In Humanistic / Client Centered therapy, congruence is considered a main stipulation for a successful outcome.  We all benefit from facing our shadow, giving up the need to be seen as perfect, getting a little help, and becoming congruent with our better nature.   When we are congruent we are truly brave, trustworthy, living in integrity and accountability.  We are able to be of genuine service to the life we want to live and to the lives of others. 

CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW TO SEE HOW CONGRUENCE IS PART OF EFFECTIVE LIVING: 
 

Who's On Your Team?

Life success and satisfaction are largely built on the teams you belong to.  In modern society isolation has reached epidemic proportions.  I have spoken to many people who have said something to the effect of, “Umm, I don’t really have any friends.”  Some of these people are depressive but others actually exude extreme personal charisma.  In modern society is doesn’t matter, isolation is an equal opportunity issue both for the introvert and extrovert.  

The human psyche does not do well in isolation.  In twelve step programs the slogan, “isolation is a killer” is not metaphorical.  When people are alone in an addiction they do tend to kill themselves more often.  Isolation is a great contributor to depression, anxiety, fear, career stagnation, and ongoing feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.  Anyone I’ve treated in an addiction has suffered from isolation.  The addiction both serves to medicate loneliness and sometimes offers a toxic group to belong to— that is, fellow drinking or drugging buddies, sex partners, gambling groups, etc.  Twelve step groups offer the addict a healthy team to belong to for their recovery and their life.  

Why is isolation such a popular remedy for what ails us?   When people are emotionally hurt or endangered in childhood they tend to rely on isolation for the only emotional and physical safety available to a child.  Isolation can then be relied on in adult life for safety when it is no longer valid or useful.  What used to keep us safe as children can end up destroying us as adults.  

We are also all “symbiotic” to some degree.  That is, we are all affected by the people we surround ourselves with.  Ever notice how rich people tend to associate with others with money?  How happy people hang around other happy people?  How gangsters know where to go to socialize with other gangsters?  How monks congregate with other monks?  How drug addicts gravitate to drug dens full of their friends?  They are all forming teams that rub off on each other—that’s symbiosis.  Pay attention to the teams you hang around.  You can’t spend a lot of time with others and not have their consciousness “rub off” on you to some degree. 

People living in healthy teams have happier moods, better health, and more productive work lives.  Businesses often have “team building” exercises to improve work productivity.  Many people belong to spiritual organizations as a way to gain needed support in their spiritual practices.  The coaches of sports teams are most known for the importance of teaching people how to be part of a team. “There is no “I” in team”,  is a popular saying in sports psychology.   The family “team” is the best known group that helps ensure the survival and success of its members.  In my years working as a homeless shelter supervisor it was rare to see someone come in for help who had an in tact family.  Group therapy is a way of joining a “team” of people who may lack group support in their life. The psyche tends to stabilize around anxiety, depression, and fear when it has the experience of belonging to a healthy group.  A friend of mine belongs to a women’s group that has been meeting for twenty years to share their life struggles and achievements.  

We need healthy teams to live successfully.   Self-doubt can destroy success.  The team operates as leverage past self-doubt to goal achievement.  If you don’t have a group you feel deep belongingness to there are many available.  The website meetup.com offers a plethora of social groups to join as a way of being part of teams.  There is a twelve step group for any kind of addiction or co-addiction you might be a part of (most people qualify for at least one twelve step program!), there are men’s support groups, women’s support groups, cancer survivors groups, business mastermind groups, professional affiliation groups, gardening groups, cooking groups, pottery groups, meditation groups, sports teams, martial arts teams . . . the list is seemingly endless.  Don’t let the belief that isolation keeps you safe continue to rule your life.  Don’t let a toxic group rub off on you.  You belong, the world needs you, your success team is waiting.

Click on the picture below to see how a women’s row team describes team success: 

Get Your Head & Heart Together

What is it with the intellect (the head), and the emotional state, (the heart), that makes life so challenging?  As has been commonly recognized, men are more in their heads / intellects, and women are more in their hearts / feelings.  On the surface this might sound like an argument for the superiority of women, but its not.  Both are needed for effective living.  We need the male and female aspects of our psyches to be integrated.  We want to live in the “yin yang” of life.  

The intellect has gotten a bad reputation over the years because it has run rough shod over the heart in so many ways.   This is what happens when patriarchy reins.  When men are overly dominating a society the head tramples the heart in people’s thinking.  Life is approached with cold eyes and little feeling.  Things get reduced to a math problem or a jig saw puzzle.  The dominant intellect says, “Its a “dog eat dog world”, “the survival of the fittest rules life”, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, “money is the goal of life”, and, “boys don’t cry".  Nature is reduced to a means to economic gains.  People are tossed into the streets with an “everyone has to take care of themselves” cultural attitude.  Brutality is justified with an “ends justifies the means” rationale.  Being cut off from deep feeling we can be confident of our aggressive actions without considering the  impact on other people, animals, or the earth itself.  War is entered with an ignorant, dangerous gusto. 

When the head leads decision making and we end up in bad positions we usually hear ourselves say things like, “I knew he was a player when I married him”,  “I knew this house would be a money pit”,  “I didn’t trust my gut on that car purchase”,  or “I got talked into this job.”  

When the heart dominates the mind in an over indulgent way, feeling can submerge reason.  We become over emotional, touchy, hyper reactive to challenges. We might become mired in self-pity, anxiety, helplessness, or hopelessness.  We can be “love addicted” to others - “I can’t get her out of my mind”, be easily manipulated, find ourselves once again rescuing the “poor” friend, be overly soft when firm decisiveness is called for, or taking care of the forty year old son who “needs me”, etc.  An overweight woman complains, “But I love ice cream so much.”  A sexually addicted man argues, “I just love women.”  Life gets arranged around a need to tend to our very sensitive feelings, or the feelings of others. 

As we all have the male and female / yin & yang of life within us, life is most effectively handled when these aspects are balanced.  This can be achieved in different ways.  If you had a distant or abusive father it may be a good idea to enter therapy with a man who can be nurturing as well as firm.  If you had a withdrawn, neglectful mother, you may want to enter therapy with a loving, gentle female therapist.  We internalize both the positive and negative attributes of our father and mother.  If our parents were not able to embody the best aspects of their male or female attributes they will not be able to pass them on.  They may have “nothing to give.”  

What about “following your heart” ?   This is good advice.  Due to the heavy influence of patriarchy many people are directed by family and society to make major life decisions by following the intellect.  This puts the heart in the second position when it should be first in decision making.   When the intellect is in charge of decisions you might get married because, “I’m getting older”, or “He has a lot of money”,  or “My family wants me to marry her.”   You could get into a job because, “the money is good”, or “Its the family business, we all go into it”,  or “My mother wanted me to be lawyer, doctor, accountant, etc.”  These “head” decisions can  lead to deep regret, a mid-life crisis, and a life riddled with depression or anxiety.   

The heart is  the place where clear intuition arises, a polestar for guiding right decision making. It has recently been found that the heart has its own brain or intelligence.  When it is allowed to open and guide a persons life it also emanates an electromagnetic field that effects those around them and the world as a whole.  I have friends that it just “feels good” to be around.  Being in their presence can be enough to open my heart more.  

The heart is the natural leader to the authentic life.  It shows where your true work is, what your mission is, who is the right partner, where your gifts are.  The intellect should be in service of the heart.   For instance, you might be in love but he wants you to give him a lot of kids when you have no interest in being a mother, join his religion you don’t agree with, and move to Antartica  (brrrr)  etc.  This may be where the head steps in and says, “Not a good idea, there’s other loves out there for you.”   Maybe you found a house to buy you just love and your head looks at it and says, “That house looks shaky. You need to check the foundation.  It’s probably a money pit.”  My friend was once in escrow for a house she loved  with a realtor she loved when the realtor said, “Umm, this house doesn’t have a foundation, it sits on the dirt.  But you can lift it up and pour a foundation.  People do it all the time.” She cancelled escrow and got another realtor.  When the heart leads and the head agrees you know you are on track.  You got the Corvette at a great price, the dream house passed inspections with flying colors, the man you love is doing work you respect and wants dogs instead of children. You think, “Yeah, no diapers, no throwing up for weeks, and I get to paint!”  

An integrated person with a balanced intellect and heart is nurturing, rational, and able to take action when needed:   Eleanor Roosevelt, Jackie Robinson, Nelson Mandela, Harvey Milk, George Harrison,  Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg,  the Dalai Lama, Justice Sonia Soto Mayor, Melinda Gates, etc.  

Click below to hear The Heart Math Institute describe the wonders of the heart’s intelligence, its electromagnetic field, and what it means to lead with the heart:   

Let’s Talk About Sex

Sex and patriarchy have been in the news a lot lately.  As usual it involves men behaving badly.  A lot of sacred cows are being slaughtered in the public eye.  Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Bill Oreilly, Harvey Weinstein, Roger Ailes, President George H.W. Bush, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Kevin Spacey, Roy Moore, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner, Charlie Sheen—the list just keeps growing.  Sex is an equal opportunity myth buster when it comes to men getting into trouble.  While women can certainly get into deep water with sex, the tendency for men to crash their lives over it vastly outweighs the female numbers.  The multi-billion dollar porn industry would likely go bust if men stopped clicking on their favorite sites.  

Sex can serve as a panacea for many things that ail men. It can cover up a feeling of being “not enough”, it can temporarily soothe anxiety, depression, loneliness, boredom, and fear (only to exacerbate them when the sex high wears off), it can be used to express anger (S&M, revenge sex, etc.), it can be used to self-validate, get high, feel powerful, be in control, or feel better than other men (yes, locker room bragging on the number of sex conquests is a real thing).  The ways men use sex destructively is seemingly endless. 

From an Imago theory standpoint the roots of sexual abuse can be understood by seeing how deep patriarchy runs.  When one sex is dominated by another from the beginning of our country’s history, sexual abuse is an inherent outcome.  Patriarchy is the systematic oppression of the female population by the male population in the areas of political leadership, social privilege, moral authority, and control of property.  The psychology of patriarchy turns women into lesser human beings, even objects.  The link from power to objectification is not a hard one to connect. Women are thought of as objects to serve men.  They should go along with what the men believe, clean, cook, bare children, be ready for sex, tolerate lewd sexual comments, harassment, and settle for less across the game board of life. 

Imago counseling helps to break out of patriarchal psychology and establish an egalitarian relationship wherein both people are seen, heard, mirrored, and understood as equals.  When women are seen as equals the psychology of both changes.  He no longer sees her as someone who can be used for his animal instincts (remember where our president said you can “grab” women?), and she no longer goes along with it.  When a female staffer complained to a female producer about Charlie Rose’s sexual harassment, the producer shrugged and said, “That’s just Charlie being Charlie.” 

When the idolized Hugh Hefner died and commentators across the airwaves mourned his loss, I heard a number of women proclaim, “I’m not interested in shedding tears for someone who was celebrated for making money by getting the culture to objectify women.”  Gloria Steinem, the iconic warrior against patriarchy and the founder of Ms. Magazine, covertly got a job as a Playboy bunny to experience first hand the workplace of institutionalized sexual patriarchy.  She says it was degrading on every level: financially, the costume she was required to buy and wear, emotionally, and physically. 

In some cultures patriarchy is so lethal it is legal to beat, burn, and even kill their wives.  We in the U.S. tend to rightly look on these practices in horror and blindly deny how rampant the lesser versions of the same problem are part of our collective national unconscious.

Jungian analyst Marie-Louise von Franz states that every woman in patriarchy has a little demon on her shoulder that whispers, “You’ll never amount to anything. You know why, because you’re a woman.” Von Franz says that women can’t get rid of this demon; they have to educate it through therapy, direct communication, self-value, and coming together in groups.   

Some of the men named in the current rash of sexual harassment cases are admitting and taking responsibilities for their bad behaviors (Al Franken), and some are running for the hills.  The wounds are being exposed and the culture of patriarchal sexual objectification is in a free fall.  This is often the necessary “dark night of the soul” that can lead to a collective transformation. 

When sex is mutual, intimate, and an expression of connection it is regarded as psychologically healthy.  When it is used as a form of objectification, is forced, is part of medicating emotional pain or trying to establish power, it is dangerously neurotic.  

Further, men that participate in patriarchal sex are kept in a developmentally delayed, “boy psychology.”  Women who go along are kept in a developmentally delayed “girl psychology.”   Maybe it is really time.  Maybe we are finally going to grow up and become adults around this thing called sex.

 Click below to see Gloria Steinem talk about Sexism, Feminism, and Racism.